What will you want to do?

I have been thinking a lot about updating this blog. Today I braced myself, put Abram to sleep and thought - it is now or never... so lets pray he sleeps long enough for this mommy to finish.

The past - well, I would say 2-3 years in my life can be described as the best and the worst so far. How is that? Well 3 years ago, after 7 years of asking God - Jesse asked me to marry him. When I tell you I asked for him for 7 years, I mean that. I have proof. Over and over in my journal I pleaded with God for Jesse and for God to give him a love for me that he had never known. Obviously I did not think it would take 7 years. HA! I guess Jesse needed 7 years to develop that love for me. I used to be insecure and think that he might change his mind about me - want to date me today but probably not tomorrow. I am excited that God took that fear from me and gave us both a very firm and secure love for one another, a love with the knowing that we will always strive to love one another like Jesus loves the Church.

We planned our wedding in 5 months, got married, and while we were just adjusting to living with each other - got pregnant. Wow. For a woman, learning to live with a man is a BIG adjustment. We are just wired so differently. I am sure they say the same. So now we are pregnant, living in a one room apartment.. which was an awesome one room apt - but still - one room. So we bought a house.

Want a recap? In one year, we got engaged, planned our wedding, got married, pregnant, and bought a house. My doctor at the time reminded me that these are major life stressers and most people try to do this all over a 3-5 year span. Not us.

So we gave birth to the most incredible son in the world the following March. After months of prayer and exhausting inner turmoil, I resigned from a job that I love with a great passion. I never wanted to be a stay at home mommy until I held my son. I knew that he and Jesse were my first ministry - no more feeding 80 or more families a week and being too tired to feed my own.

My resignation became such the mess that I had not even dreamed it would be. I assumed everyone would understand that I was resigning to be with my family and be a wife and a mommy - more like the Proverbs 31 woman and less like corporate america. Well, long story short, that was not at all how it went. About 1-2 weeks after I resigned, my dad found out that his body is full of cancer - stage 4.

At this point, I gained some strength and confirmation from God that this was the time for me to resign from my job. This was time for me to be wife, mommy, and the only daughter my daddy had to love him in the way only a little girl can love her daddy.

This past year has been a tough road to trod. My resignation has been tough, emotional, and I have lost a lot of great relationships. I have learned a lot. You learn who your real friends are when you are on a rough road. Jesse started real estate. We invested so much of our savings there. If you have a tv or newspaper or even drive around our city you realize that the housing market is slow slow slow. In real estate if you sell no homes, you make no money. Just so you know - your mortgage company does not care if you have no money - they want their payment.

We have struggled financially in the past year like we never have before BUT listen to this...

God has reminded us of His great love and provision for us, His children, who acted out of obedience. He is so faithful to give us our daily bread and often daily bread that we can share with others. There have many times in the past few months when we did not know how we would have a new baby - that's right - we got pregnant again in March. We did not know how we would pay our mortgage or utilities. We admit that many times we have worried, only to be corrected by God - who is our provider.

During these months of drought in our life - there were many times in which God spoke clearly to us to give some of what we had to someone else in need. Giving is not natural to most when we have an abundance but try to give in a drought. I will say that each time, we did make a hard choice to be obedient and God reminded us of who He is and who owns and who manages. I don't know if you have ever taken care of someone else's property but if they call and say do this with it - you do just that. You are the manager - they are the owner.

We have learned so much through these past couple of years. Now I am nearing 8 months of pregnancy, chasing my 20 month old son everywhere, watching my daddy suffer through a body full of cancer, watching my momma's heart break more day by day, still dealing with my resignation from a year ago, oh - and - the Shoppe is in the midst of a major phase. Life is still difficult. There are days I ask God how will we do "this" before I even let my feet hit the floor. He always reassures me that "WE" will do this.

I am learning more about the important things in life. I am learning to trust God more than I ever thought I needed to. I am learning the gift of being a mommy every time I see my son learn something new, want to do nothing more than cuddle-bug with his mommy, or give me a new kind of kiss. I am learning the precious love and gift of being a mommy every time my sweet daughter moves inside of me - confirming her life and soon arrival. I am learning the gift of being a wife when my husband desires nothing more than for me to stop and simply be his wife - letting the whole world wait for what they want from me.

I am learning how sweet it is to see God provide in so many ways. I am learning to extend grace to people when they are mean, say spiteful things to me, or try to tear me down. I am learning to slow down and know what is most important.

A couple of weeks ago I was laying on the bed with my daddy - just cuddle'bugging (that's what Abram and I call it), when my sweet, weak and fragile daddy reminded me of the important things in life. He said he he wished he had spent less time working and more time being with us. He said he wished he could drive me around on the tractor one more time, help me build a playhouse again. Those are the important things in life.

Look at your life. Evaluate it. What is most important. What will you want to do when you know your time is nearing it's end?

Another God moment in our life

For a brief second I must admit that I did not want to share what I am about to. Pride. That is the culprit behind my hesitation. Love is the reason I must share.

As you probably know, Jesse and I made a decision in Nov of last year that we were and are certain was what God was very clearly telling us to do. I resigned from Broad Street Ministry Center. We did not understand, we just knew I had to be obedient. Jesse and I knew that this was going to cause some big waves in our life. We knew that we would struggle financially. We knew that we would lose relationships that we valued. We also knew that there would be internal struggles for us because we both would have to learn to do things that did not come naturally. For me - I am a leader and I would have to learn to follow. Jesse is learning to lead us - to confess, I had stolen that role from him even before we got married.

Anyway, just as we had expected, financially we are struggling. For the past four months we have not known how we would pay our mortgage payment. We have trusted that God would give us opportunity to make the money we need or He would provide it. Last month, in an attempt to have money to pay our bills, we sold my car. My car was paid for and we sold it for $10,000. We bought another car the week after. We were able to pay some bills. Great! Our plan worked! Well -so we thought. That is until the transmission went out in the car we bought. We took it to a shop and got an estimate on rebuilding the transmission - $3800. Wow! My brother owns an auto shop in Waynesboro so we asked him what he could do. He can order a used transmission with a year warranty for $1800. Wow! That is great news - except for the fact that we don't have $1800. So....

So nothing. We made the decision to trust God. Now, I will tell you we are very frustrated about the car. Please don't think we got the news and began skipping around our living room. Not so. But there is nothing we can do. We knew that we would have to wait on God to give us an opportunity to make some money to get it repaired.

So yesterday, I got a phone call. Please bare with me - this IS going somewhere. Abram and I were watching Barney when my phone rang. Usually if I don't know your number - I don't answer. Yesterday I did answer.

On the phone was a man that I have never seen before. He sells insurance. I talked with him a few months ago about getting health insurance. Once I found out we were pregnant - we also found out that makes us un-insurable. Needless to say - I didn't really call this guy back - I figured we would call him later- after the baby is born.

The man - who I will not name - said that during his prayer time God brought me and Jesse to his mind and we were on his heart. He then (after repeatedly apologizing for the "weirdness" of the call) told me that he needed to send us something. He did not say what - he just graciously asked for my mailing address.

So now I am curious. If you know me well - you know that I already LOVE checking the mail. Jesse knows that is my job. :) Needless to say - I was very anxious to check the mail today.

Today I go to the mailbox. . . anxiously awaiting what the call I got yesterday was about.

I pull out a letter that said, 'During my prayer time God brought you and your family to my heart, I do not understand but I don't have to. I just have to be obedient."

Inside the letter was a check. I looked at what was first glance $25. Then I noticed that it had many more zeros. Someone - that I have never seen, only spoken with about health insurance three months ago, gave our family $2500.

I am so amazed at how God always provides for our family. I should not be so amazed all the time but I am in constant awe. Who are we that God considers us?!

It is amazing how many times I have witnessed God bless us for being obedient. I admit to you that being obedient has been difficult at times. I know we made the right move in our life. I know that we obeyed God. It feels good to be loved by the One who knows all.

I will say that I notice a beautiful dance in our life... God calls us to a place of obedience then shows us His faithfulness as He calls others to obedience. Beautiful.

Please be encouraged by this message. Know that what you are in right now, God is too. He is not far, He is near to His children. Where you lack, He never does. Where you walk, He has planned the path. Be faithful to trust Him.

Zephaniah 3:17 reminds us of how He sings over us... I hear that today. I feel the warmth that comes from a Father's voice singing in my ear.

I love you and it is a joy to share with you about the Lord and His faithfulness.

Honey Flows

Tonight my mother in law reminded me that I have not updated my blog lately. How sad that is because it is not like I do not have a ton of things to say. I read my last blog before writing this and realized that I have not been faithful to share about the sweetness of God.

In my last blog I asked that you, my friend, would pray for us. We are pregnant. We have SC Medicaid and could not find a doctor. We really wanted a Christian man to deliver our baby. To be completely honest, we wanted the same doctor that delivered Abram to deliver our second son or daughter.

I called over 35 doctors in the Augusta area. We also want to deliver at Doctors Hospital. We had such a great experience last time at Doctors. to make a long story short - we only found one doctor who would take SC Medicaid and delivered at a hospital in Augusta. So I called around to check references on this doctor and was told NO WAY. I was told that I should drive to Aiken rather than see this doctor. So now what! Talk about frustrating! So to be honest, for about a week I worried. I thought what am I going to do. I made an appt with the doctor with the bad reputation just so I could at least see a doctor and confirm what my body was 100% sure of already.

Finally God gave sweet peace. You know that peace that He describes as a peace that surpasses our own understanding... that peace. So one morning I was praying and this was my prayer,

"God, you know we need a miracle. We are trusting you. You know our situation. You know this baby. This is your baby Father. We are asking you for a miracle. Maybe that means you will provide the money we need to pay Dr Byars. Maybe that means you will send us a doctor that is honorable and takes our insurance. Or maybe you will deliver this good baby through the a doctor with a bad reputation. We don't know how - but we trust you God."

I kid you not - within two hours... TWO HOURS... my phone rang. The weekend before (this was a Monday) I was sick. I threw up probably 20 times in one day so I called Dr Byars office. I got the on call doctor and she talked me through some things. The phone call that I got was from Dr Byars office. I assumed that he was calling to check on me. He heard I was sick and you know, just checking on me. Yes, he did that. He also asked me if Jesse and I found a doctor. I told him not really but that I kept the appt with the doc with the bad rep. I simply told him that we were just trusting God with this baby. So he proceeded to tell me that God had "been on him" since we last talked. He told me that sometimes God speaks and we hear it but we don't listen. He said that God had to thump him pretty hard sometimes. He then asked me if Jesse and I would consider letting him be our doctor through this pregnancy - wait - for FREE.

Now breath and rub the chill bumps.. :).... What could I say? I said, "Are you kidding me?!" I was speechless. Of course I regained control of myself and said yes. I told Dr Byars about my prayer that morning and how God was using him in that moment to confirm HIS faithfulness to my family.

This is where the honey flows! How sweet is life knowing that you are a child of the Creator of all, A child of the King of all Kings, the everlasting Father! God has been so faithful to us. He has done immeasurably more than we could have hoped for.

I will tell you this too - there have been two months recently that we did not know how we would pay our mortgage payment... both times God provided in very unexpected ways. He is ALWAYS faithful.

Sometimes I think we forget who we are when we are His. Tonight Abram crawled in my arms and started to rock. Now, he does not let me rock him to sleep anymore. He would rather play. But tonight He climbed into my arms and let me know He needed me. More than that - He wanted me to sing over Him. I can not tell you how much God spoke while I rocked, sang to, and prayed over my son tonight. I love him an amount that I myself can not comprehend. How much more then does my heavenly Father love me - His daughter. When was the last time I let the Lord quiet me with His love? When was the last time I crawled into my Father's arms and relished in the fact that HE SINGS OVER ME.

^{Zephaniah 3:17}

The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."

Tonight, my friend. Tonight, I let the Lord quiet me. I sat as the Lord sang over me - His daughter. What fullness, what joy!

I will tell you that life is not all peachy right now either. We struggle. Everything is different for us. Money is tight. The stores are not doing their best which is stressful. I am pregnant - sleepy all the time, nauseated most of the time, and my heart is burdened for my daddy who still has liver, lung, colon, and skin cancer. I struggle with surrender and submission. Life is still life... one thing after another. But God is still God... one day for all days. He is so faithful - how can I not sit in His arms and be quieted by His love?

Tonight when I prayed for our children I asked God for only good things for them. I prayed that all that they do in all their days be for His glory and His renown. If that is my prayer for my children, my greatest desire for them is good... Then what of the Father's desire for me, for my family, my friends, my sweet daddy who is probably awake right now thinking about tomorrow. He desires good for us. He is a good, HOLY Father.

I am so glad that tonight Abram crawled in my lap. I started to write this blog earlier until Abram crawled onto the sofa and mingled between me and the laptop. He needed and wanted his mommy. I needed that. I needed to love him tonight and I needed to love HIM tonight. I needed to hear God speak and He did just that.

Keep praying for us. We heard the baby's heart beat today. Amazing. It's just that simple and so complex. Today our baby is about is about the size of a lime. He or she is able to open and close his/her little hands. We are 13 weeks today. You can go to www.babycenter.com and check out the development of our baby by week.

Also, pray for my daddy. He is starting to get depressed. Life is so different for him right now. I have never known a day when my daddy didn't work - when he didn't want to work. Now he can't work. He just finished 6 months of chemo. The chemo did not shrink his colon cancer any so on June 22 he will have part of his colon removed. Pray for his health, his spirit, his doctors, and his recovery. Pray for my sweet momma. She is anxious. She does not know life without my daddy. They married when she was only 14 years old. Pray for strength for her, for her heart, and pray for some Godly women to come along side of her and simply be there for her.

You can also pray for Jesse. He is working with Meybohm Realty now. Pray that he will have confidence, motivation, and that God will bless his career.

Pray for me that I will keep learning to surrender and to let my husband lead our family. Pray that God will keep me and "Baby E-Dos" (baby E #2) safe through this pregnancy.

Thanks for being a friend.. and obviously a reader.

Love you!

A pea in the pod

That's right! We have another little pea in the pod! We are so excited that God is giving us another little one. Abram will be a big brother. I am looking forward to seeing him interact with his little brother of sister.

So here is how you can pray for us. We do not have health insurance. BUT since I am not working and Jesse is doing real estate and works on commisssion - we qualify for medicaid right now. SC medicaid that is. I called my doctor - the one that delivered Abram - and asked if took SC Medicaid. He doesn't. He takes GA but not SC. So I have to find another doctor - which I do not want to do because Dr Byars is an amazing doctor who loves Jesus! I do know that God will provide all that we need. He always has. So pray we find another Godly man to help us bring this baby into the world.

Also, we are in limbo as to if we should find out the gender of the baby before birth. Well - by we I mean I am in limbo. Jesse is certain he does not want to know. I am thinking maybe I do this time. People ask what I want. What a funny question. I want the baby that God has for me. Boy or girl. Healthy or not. I want the baby that God has planned for me to have. That is all the simple part.

Pray for my daddy's health. His cancer is fighting him hard. My hearts desire is to see him play with all of our children. We are due Dec 20th. I'm praying he gets to hold this baby and know him or her.

Well that is all for now. I have to start this day running.

Thanks for being amazing friends!

Jen

Thankful

Yesterday our little family had a very busy day. We woke up running.

We needed to finish payroll, run to the bank, the shoppe, the store, and the warehouse. We had to get groceries. We had to go here and there and do this and that. We had to go by the antique mall, Jesse had to show some houses. We were on the phone ending services and starting new ones. We were paying bills and cooking dinner. We visited some friends. AND when we finally got home at 9pm (and dinner had not been cooked yet) Abram had a fever of 104 degrees.

SO we called the doc, texted the doc, called the doc's office and got him on the phone. NEEDLESS TO SAY when we went to bed we were so tired. Of yea, we did however squeeze in a movie together, some much needed sweetheart time.

Every three hours we had to get up and give Abram some medicine to lower his fever.

BEEP BEEP BEEP!

And here we go again. IT IS WEDNESDAY ALREADY?! Only today we have even more to do. Errands, real estate stuff, doctor's appointment. All on a deadline because we were scheduled to speak in Pembroke, GA at FBC tonight. I was suppose to speak. They had promoted us speaking there for weeks on end. So what does a missionary do in this case? My baby had a fever of 103.3 today. A church in Pembroke is waiting to hear what I have to say.

What DOES a missionary do? A missionary does what a mommy would do. She calls the church and let's them know that her husband, also a missionary, will be her replacement tonight. To be honest, it was a bit bitter sweet.

I always speak. Jesse is always there to support me. Tonight Jesse spoke while I supported our son. I wish I could have been there to hear him. I know he did a great job.

As Abram was napping today- while Jesse was driving - I started to think about my past two days. I was thinking about how busy they were. It started to "get to me". You know what I mean?

THEN God reminded me "In all things give thanks." SO, put yourself in my shoes for a minute... my baby boy is helplessly ill and I can do nothing about it. I am not able to speak at the church tonight - which by the way- I LOVE to do. We have been soooo busy that I am exhausted. Not to mention (until now) that I am trying to rest and I am STILL thinking about being busy. Ironic. huh?

Well, back to giving thanks in all things.

God so gently, as He always does-with grace, reminded me in all these things of these two days what I should be thankful for.

Errands? Yes. Be thankful that there are things, there are ministries that God trusts me to lead and to serve in. God provides for our family through the booth we have at the antique mall and lets me be creative there as a bonus.

I'm thankful Jesse is showing houses. It is so exciting to see him busy already. It is even more exciting to see him excited and encouraged.

I'm thankful for good friends that God gives us that we can visit. God has given us more community than we deserve.

I'm thankful that we had money to pay our bills yesterday. I'm thankful that God gave us an opportunity to save some money on some service bills.

I'm thankful that we have Abram. I'm thankful for a doctor that loves Jesus and loves us. I'm thankful for God giving me sweet time with my son while he was sick. I'm thankful that God shows me my son's love for me when he looks at me for help. I'm thankful for the reminder of God being my heavenly Father.

I'm thankful we had money to take Abram to the doctor today. I'm thankful for more real estate stuff today. I'm thankful that I have a partner in ministry. I'm thankful that God gave us the opportunity for me to move aside and Jesse to take the stage, literally.

I'm thankful for my family being there for us.

I am thankful that God speaks to me. I am thankful that my ears are turned to His voice.

I am thankful for these things. I pray that whatever you are going through today or have been going through that you will be willing and be able to turn your eyes to Jesus and give thanks in all things.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (New International Version)

¹⁶Be joyful always; ¹⁷pray continually; ¹⁸give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

One Year - Two Year

I can not believe that my lil BABY son is about to turn One year old. I feel like it was just yesterday that I was waddling around with him inside. This past year has been one of the busiest years of my life. I think I have felt every emotion you can feel. This time last year I was 9 (which felt like 40) months pregnant. We started Shoppe 3130. I gave birth, celebrated my one year anniversary and ... well that is all but that is more than enough!

Time flew by last year. I guess it is true - time does fly when you are having fun. I have loved every stage of Abram's life. I loved the cuddling when he was newborn. I loved feeding him, rocking him, and singing to him. I loved watching him learn to grab things, sit up, roll over, crawl, and now walk. I love his laugh, his singing, his expressions, I even love his little cry. I love his hugs in the morning and his kisses all day. I love that he loves me and that he knows I love him.

I love that he wants me to take care of him. I love that he needs me.

God has taught me so much over the past year with Abram. I was afraid I would not be a good mommy at first but not anymore. I want to be a good mommy. It is one of the most important things to me in this life. It is important enough that I had to leave a job I loved.

Today Abram threw a little fit.. yea... not even one yet and he knows how to throw a fit (as my momma would call it!) In the midst of his fit I realized that I have done that same thing to God. You see, when God won't give me my way - I often throw a fit, a pity party, and simply do not want to hear any reasoning. I simply want my way.. anything else ... well anything else is not what I want. I tense up, plant my feet, and remain stubborn until God gently reminds me that I need him. He reminds me of His love for me.

I am excited about this next year with Abram. I know that God has much more to speak to me about and to teach me.

UPDATE ON DADDY

My dad is half way done with chemo. He has responded pretty well. He has good days and bad days. I think he will do better when the weather is warmer. He has been in the house most of the winter. I am thankful for sweet times that God gives us. I am also thankful for the way I get to see my daddy love my son. I pray he is here to love all of my children.

Jesse and I are now MSC Missionaries. That simply means we are self supporting missionaries: we raise our own support.

We never know just how God is going to provide for us. We just know he will. He does. He has. God provided for us this month in some pretty amazing ways. He is always on time.

Jesse is now a real estate agent. That is exciting! He is a little anxious because he has never done this before. I think it is more exciting that way - you see when we don't know what we are doing, we can't claim the glory for our self. If he does well, God receives the glory. I like it that way.

There are some things on my mind right now that frustrate me. I won't go into any detail for the sake of not stirring the pot. I will just ask that you pray for us. We need closure and pray that God will give us that with some issues.

I am so thankful for you, friend. Have a wonderful day, night, or if you are like me, early early morning.

Much love,

Jen